If you haven’t read any of Tucker Max’s work before, either in his books or on his website (TuckerMax.com), you should. In addition to being a really talented author, he’s probably the biggest douchebag alive.
My hero.
Last week I finished “Assholes Finish First”, his second most recent book. It was brilliant. The whole thing had me LOLing, literally. And that’s hard to do for a book. Usually I don’t read unless it is something I am interested in, and even then, I’m guilty of skimming and missing some of the important stuff for the sake of completion.
Not the case when reading a Tucker Max book.
I read every word- literally every word- printed on the plastic library case-covered surface. Even the author’s introduction, which nobody ever reads.
Haven’t read anything by Tucker Max? Start with AFF, then read “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”. Just started that today and my god, it’s brilliant.
The music I like is really hard to pin down. I like everything from Rammstein to Lostprophets to Lowkey.
But a few weeks ago, while researching former (and now current) Coheed & Cambria drummer Josh Eppard, I discovered his former band Dillinger Escape Plan. They belong to a genre I didn’t even know existed, “mathcore”, and are named after a bank robber. That’s fucking metal.
I downloaded their album “Ire Works” and listened to it. They do a lot of repetitive stuff, and their riffs can be boring. But their singer’s voice? It’s like that fag from Foo Fighters (which is a godawful band) but with a million times more testosterone and a scream like a metal god.
Their best song is Milk Lizard. That’s probably their most popular one too. The verse has trumpets in the background.
Trumpets, like Dillinger Escape Plan, are pretty fucking metal.
People tell a lot of lies. Big lies, small lies, unimportant lies, whatever. I do it too, when I think it will help me score female companionship.
But the biggest lie ever told is one that is almost exclusively told by girls.
“We should hang out/talk/text more!! :)”.
If I had a dollar for every time I saw that I’d be a fucking billionaire. Every female on Facebook says this to each other as if the other person will for some reason believe them, despite hearing it and saying it from/to all of her female friends.
Girls will believe anything you tell them.
Who invented that fucking expression? It’s fucking ridiculous. Typing “btdubs” takes two more keystrokes than typing “btw”. And you look like a certified retard while doing it.
Unfortunately, for most of us, our days involve dealing with annoying women. Today was one of these days for me.
Not so much the school day. That went relatively catch-free. But then, a few minutes ago, I logged onto Facebook and saw this unfortunate exchange that managed to negatively alter my disposition towards the whole female sex (abbreviated for the sake of laziness):
Bitchy Girl’s status: “Guys who flat iron their hair every day look stupid”.
Bitch friends A, B, C: “OMG haha I no rite?!?”
Guy the status was about [copied verbatim]: “Yeah you do have your own opinion. It may look dumb to you but you’re the one that always told me you think my hair is cute. So I think it’s a little funny you’d say such a thing. And I’m not gonna be a naive bitch and get butt hurt about it :) I do straighten my hair.”
*a few comments later*
Bitchy girl OP: “I’m not trying to start Facebook drama, byeee :)”
Alright. There are a few fucking things I hate about both of these wastes of human life. Firstly, the guy who felt he needed to interject. I don’t mind him as much as bitchy OP. The first thing that makes him look like a colossal dumbass is his use of the phrase “butthurt”. No. Only people who call themselves “trolls” and linger around on 9GAG say stupid things like that.
Secondly, Bitchy OP Girl. If you aren’t trying to ‘start Facebook drama’, then why post something with the sole purpose of instigation? Do you not understand what drama is, you unedcuated whelp? And possibly the most annoying part of her inane and absurd chain of behaviour is the way she ends her ‘argument’. She a) says ‘bye’ b) adds extra letters and c) puts a smiley face. Is there any better way to advertise your mental vapidity and raging stupidity than to cop out of an argument using emoticons? I weep for our race.
Of course, this problem can easily be solved- BAN WOMEN FROM THE INTERNET.
If you’re looking for the 1%, here they are. OCCUPY HIS LAP!
(Source: brujaporvida)
My history with online PC games.
1 year old: first played a computer game
3 years old: had my first computer
10 years old: started playing Rise of Nations and Starcraft
13: played Farmville once, realized it was fucking shit, never played another Facebook game
14: stopped playing all PC games except in cases of desperation
Fast forward to today. I just got a fucking Mafia Wars request. Now, if this were 2009, that would be acceptable. But is it, I ask you, still 2009? I don’t fucking think so. The reason this is particularly annoying is because I already went through my friends list and deleted all the cockmongling idiots who sent me game requests. Either they made it back on my friends list or people are actually starting to play these games. Fucking Christ.
Finally gave in and did it. No, I didn’t kill myself.
I made a fucking Tumblr. Bring on the stereotypes about being an emo, a hipster, and a neckbeard ( the last one is actually true ). Why did I do this? I’m not sure, possibly I hope to be the future Tucker Max. Scoring loads of pussy like he does would be more than satisfactory.
Maybe it’s because I need a creative outlet besides my video production, and I can’t sing so that is off the table. I’m more skilled at writing anyways. Anyways, we’ll see how this goes.